I thought I put up a post ages ago, but yeah here's my How's my driving post for Miss Parker. Concrit only, please. Logging's off screening's on. Thanks!

Dear Santa,

Fuck you, I don't want to do this.

For Kay, Una, Gaius, Sirius, Narvin, Dick, fuck you know who I'm friend's with. Give them all liquor from home, news from home and I don't know, something person.

Give Una some amazing perfume and Kay and Narvin some nice guns. Sirius gets a motorbike.

Give Paddy and Sunshine and Snape something from me too, wherever the fuck they are.

Make three meals so the staff has the day off, and give them all some nice booze as well. And clothing.

[Have a shoe, Barge. A left Jimmy Choo stiletto to be precise. A very expensive strappy stiletto which has it's heel hanging off like she'd snapped it some how. The show is dropped onto a pile of several other expensive pairs of shoes, and then there is Parker's ice cold eye.]

You owe me thirty-seven fucking pairs of shoes, Admiral. Good ones, the ones that those little fuckers broke. All left shoes. Every. Single. Fucking. One.

Does anyone have any shoes I can borrow until he comes through? I wear a size eight.

A couple of weeks ago, I told people we'd do thanksgiving, but we'd do it as a home-cooking sort of thing. So, people, give me what you want for home cooking and I'll ask the Admiral for it. Simple and easy. From people other places than Earth, we're asking for your stuff too, and as with everything else we'll do our fucking best.

[Private to the Admiral]
Alright. I've given it my best try, but it's not fucking working. Unpair us, and give her to someone nice or something.

[Friends filter]
I've done it. I've unpaired myself from Atia. I need a fucking drink. And a reason not to leave.

[Private to Atia]
It's done.

You know there are somedays where I just want to fucking shoot the lot of you.

Yes, we'll do Thanksgiving, we always have, we always will. Next week we'll put up a request board for food stuff. We're going to treat this as a home cooking thing rather than as an American thing. It's more fair that way.

[Private to the Admiral]
Give George a puppy. The kind he'd actually want. And all the stuff to go with it. Don't get cute.

I swear to god the next time I go into one of these fucking comas, I am getting off this stupid piece of shit boat.

[Warden Filter]

I know shit happened while I was out, but I haven't gone all the way through shit to know what it is. But someone had my guns. They were fired recently, and I don't know if I'm missing ammo because of the restock.

Anyone got anything they want to tell me?

[Private to Atia]
You and me need a talk.

Atia, we're going. Come over and borrow something, and then we'll find you a shop later.

Anyone know what the gun laws are like in France?

[Parker's depressingly diminished friend filter. (If you think you're on it, you are]
Anyone want to do something? If I need to spend the whole time cooped up with my inmate I'd shoot myself.

October fucking 14th. We've still got fucking fifteen more days before things end. At least. There are times when I hate this fucking boat. In the mean time, some god damn advice.

1. Don't do anything voices, mirrors, faceless ghosts or anything else ask you to do. Don't make deals with them for anything, don't feed them, and don't give them fucking blood.

2. Keep a bottle of water and something to eat with you at all times. Self-fucking-explanatory. There's snack food out by the kitchen always. Fruit and shit. Use it.

3. Keep your journal with you. Yeah, I know how hot and cold it is, but do you want to be fucking trapped in the dark without it? The hell you do.

4. Buddy system: Fuck buddies, bathroom buddies, work buddies whatever. If someone is offering to be my fuck buddy, I'll consider it.

5. Do something fucking fun. I, for example will be hosting a poker game on the pool table on level seven if anyone's interested. So, come on over for that. If you do stupid I'll kick you out. But otherwise we play for chips, booze, favors.

Apparently my fudging inmate fell over the fondant railing and is now floating around somewhere. Has anyone...

[An aside to someone off screen] Look. I flapjack told you that I am not a princess. Stop fermenting calling me that!

If anyone finds her let me fafafal know.

COME ON THESE AREN'T EVEN MAKING SENSE!

Dear Admiral: Next time you put me in a fucking coma, I'm out of here. Jesus.

How long was I out of it this time?
( Privates: Atia, Una, Shego, Luke, BAWC, Poker people. )

Poker? Drinking?

[Private to the Admiral]
Give Atia back her room, please. Restore it to how it was when she came aboard. You can return all of the stuff she picked up in other worlds to me and I'll restore some of it to her personally.

Also, give us the weird alien shit that people asked for their weird alien meals. And that recipe that Rass wanted. But do it in weird circle language. He wants his shit, he's going to need to work for it.

Do they actually get to go home or heaven or wherever the fuck ever? Are they fucking alright once they leave?

Fuck I hate it here.

So, Paddy did that request thing, where once a week we'd try to do shit from other cultures or planets or whatever. I'm going to try that again if people have requests.

We're still not a fucking restaurant and unless we get Hannibal Lecter or something again, we're not chefs. We'll do our best.

[Private to Wanda]
You did good, kid. Do you play poker?

[Private to Sirius]
If you mention the fucking snuggling to anyone, I'll shoot you.

...

Thanks for taking me to the CES.

[Private to Kay]
So, we're pretty fucking much the same person, aren't we?

[Private to Atia]
So did you end up as a fucking cobra again?

[Private to Morrigan]
Your inmate wants to work for me in the kitchen. I think you should let it happen.

[Parker is a slow loris, and she's trying to avoid being seen as she heads down the hallway to the kitchens in order to find some fruit. Of course, she's hard to miss as Parker, because this adorable little climby creature is swearing like a sailor.]

I am going to fucking kill the Admiral. I'm going to kill him, then wait for him to come back, then kill him again.

[Warden filter]

You know, I fucking hate warden politics. I try to stay out of this shit as much as I can but there are somethings I just can't let go on. For those of you who don't know, I was an inmate before I was a warden, [Like that wasn't evident in your last post, Parker.] and because of that, I find myself on one side of an issue more often than not. I've been holding onto this post for people to cool the fuck off, including me, but now I think it's really important and we need to talk about this.

My point from before still stands: there needs to be a fucking line somewhere. This point isn't about Nygma, and it's not about Snape, Mozenarth, Shego or anyone else involved with that incident. I am speaking now about a general fucking issue: invasion of inmate's privacy. I'm not just talking about rooms, I'm talking about filters, and I'm talking about people's very fucking minds.

I'm not talking about the personal-one-on-one warden-inmate relationship. I know not all tactics are going to fucking work on all inmates, and there are some who will need special circumstances. This isn't about that. This is about another warden becoming involved in the situation. When someone else does this to your inmate, it undermines the very thing that makes the Barge work. And it does work--you have fucking people here who showed just how much it works. Me talking to right the fuck now is proof that it does.

I'm also not saying that there shouldn't be some sort of peer review in the case of extreme circumstances someone's own inmate. Abuse, sexual relationships, violence, all of these things are things that wardens shouldn't do to their inmates. People should be shut down over that shit, and it shouldn't be one fucking person to do it. It should be us, working together as much as we fucking can.

I'm not an idiot. I know we suck at this sort of thing. But allowing precedent for this sort of thing is bullshit. We all know that if we let it stand, then some asshole is going to come along and do it again. And so it goes and so it goes until none of the inmates feel safe. And then it'll start on the wardens and people will be accused of defending their inmates which is what they fucking should be doing. It's what we all should be doing. Don't let this fucking stand.

We can't demote people. The Admiral is the only person who can fucking do that, and we know that he doesn't listen to us. But it is in our right to use other things we can do. We can call for a vote of no confidence in Edward Ngyma. What this would mean is that we don't accept him as a warden. I sure the fuck don't. His actions were what created this situation, and he screwed up. He should be punished for it, and we shouldn't rubber stamp shit because we're tired, or we're sick of this, or we want things to go back to normal. Fuck that. Let's all do our jobs here. Let's do our duties to our inmates.

[Bad Ass Women's filter+Everyone Parker's ever drank/played poker with. If you think you're on there, you probably are. People especially on there: Cooper, Sirius, Tosh.]

I don't know about you guys, but I could use a game of cards. And a fucking barrel of scotch. Anyone interested?

Robes, if you cheat, I'm going to shoot you in the foot. [Admission she's staying.]

[Infirmary filter]
Atia wants to work there. She's going to be a fucking pain in the ass and I'm sorry for it. You're going to need to watch her like a hawk, but she needs to learn compassion from somewhere.

If she gets too bitchy, schedule her for mornings and I'll come in and do it with her. Fuck.

[OOC: Unexpected triggery content in the comments, based on the fact that she's talking about some of Atia's crimes.]

[The camera flicks on, and Parker looks like complete shit. She's got a giant bruise and a cut on her face, and the way she's moving suggest that she's got some bruising or other wounds that aren't viewable below the red flannel shirt. (Yes, you read that right.) In front of her is a glass and a bottle of scotch that is nearly empty. She's not wearing make up. This is probably the worst the Barge has ever seen her look. Ever.

When she speaks, her drunkness is evident.]

So, my bitch of an inmate. [Parker frowns.] Got kidnapped by a fucking pterodactyl. [For a moment, Parker holds a straight face, and then she laughs. It's a barking sound, and the way her breath hitches afterwards gives away how much it fucking hurt to do that.] She got kidnapped by a fucking pterodactyl and I lost my communicator and I couldn't find her. Shit found me though.

[Parker gestured to her face, and then she took another sip of her glass.] I got my ass handed to me over a woman I want to strangle myself. I wonder if that's how Janey felt. Or Jessica. Or Laura fucking Croft. Or the Angel who fucked off right after he got assigned to me. Five fucking wardens before I got a good one.

I thought that I was going to be a good one. Turns out I'm a fuck up after all.

[She snorted, and then took another sip of her drink.] Two years I've been here. Well, close enough for it to fucking count. I didn't think I'd ever graduate. I was working towards it, and then fucking Jarod showed up. Turns out he saw me after I got shot. Turns out I had fucking life and all I needed to do was graduate to get the fuck out of here and back to it.

That was a year ago. I'm still here, trying to give Tommy his life back. [Parker touched her shirt, and she smiled a more gentle smile for just a split second, and then she looked back to the camera.] There are times when I wonder if he would fucking want me doing this. If he would want me being driven fucking crazy with someone I hate so that he could live.

I'm really starting to think he wouldn't.

[For a moment she doesn't say anything, and then she flicks the camera off with a disgusted sound.]

Atia, get your shit together, we're going to port.

Anyone else need or want to come?

Alright until this shit is done, we're having sandwiches for dinner. And fruit. And shit you don't need to cook for.

Fuck this curse and my poor good damn hands.

I'd like you to remove all of Atia's personal things from her room, and turn it into a small hotel room with only a bed, a lamp and a chair, please. Also, cut her wardrobe in half If she wants to think she's in a prison, then we'll give her a taste of it.

[The camera turns on, and Parker's in the fourth level staircase. There's blood everywhere. There's loads of it, splattered on the walls and pooling on the stairs, each step dripping blood onto the one below it. As the camera pans up the stairs you can see a body. It's Rinzler's body, and Parker pulls the camera up before you can see the wound in the throat, and that the man's hands are below his body.

She pans around the body, but not showing it as you can see the mine dirt turning into mud when it mingles in blood. There, on the wall is the Operator sign the Following Dark sign, which is a circle with a diagonal line through it. In the blood is Ardent's mini axe keyring.

When the camera turns back to Parker, she looks white as a sheet, and her eyes keep darting in all directions. Nervous fingers keep twitching towards her back and the Smith and Wesson she keeps there. Her voice is soft, and there's a nervous trace in it.]

I need some fucking help here.

Why the fuck is there dirt in my mouth?

Where the hell is fucking Hoffman? Is his warden taking fucking care of this shit?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you, Admiral.

Now, families of town, please don't think this is any cause for your children to miss school. Remember the best thing for them is not to have idle hands or idle minds.

( Open spam, multiple threads encouraged. )

Alright, so as you know I'm in charge of the fucking kitchens now. We need more people. Sign your inmates up, or if you don't have a warden you can sign yourself up.

New people, I'm Parker, a former inmate. Deal with it.

[Filtered to Friends. Think, are. ]
Sorry for disappearing there.

[Filtered to Inmates]

Look, don't do stupid. You know you're going to get busted eventually, so leave the weapons with me and I won't fucking tell Rayne where I got them from. Do you really want her to come after you?

[Private to Bigger, added later]

We going to have a problem if I fight your inmate?

[Filtered to Una. Cooper. Sarah. Trip. T'Pol Chang and Slade and Snape. Added even later.]
Poker with Kay. You in?

Jarod, you fucking little cretin, I don't know how the hell you did this, but it's got your grubby little paws written all over it.

Let me the fuck out of here, Jarod, or I'm going to find your little red notebook and shove it so far up your ass your missing mommy will feel it!

Morgan. Morgan's door has changed back to fucking Barge normal.

What. The. Fuck? It's Morgan! She's been here forever, how could she fucking go?

You know, I really fucking hate the way time works here. It fucks up in your head, making it like you've lived twice as long as you have. This time last year I had everything I fucking wanted, and then woke up to an empty shower running and a blood splattered porch and a police investigation. This time last year I was in a fucking hole puking blood because the Master fucking took over a world and crashed the Barge. It's shit like that, the two memories that are the fucking kicker.

I hate April. I hate the time difference. Fuck this, I'm going ashore, Parker you can do whatever the hell your little heart desires.

[Private to Parker]
Where the fuck are you?

[Private to Kay]
I need a list of what's missing from your safe. I want to make sure she didn't keep anything after her little trip.

[Private to Paddy]
You're going to be down two people for dinner. Sorry about it.

...Tomorrow too.

In light of all the stupidity going on, I'm going to avoid adding to it and just putting up a post for people interested in a game of poker. Wardens, inmates, open to everyone especially people who I normally play with.

I am just really fucking sick of all this fighting.

[OOC: Parker's three days away from a giant freak out and is trying to not do it. So this and avoiding telling what she feels are stupid assholes off. (Crane)]

Well, if anyone could get on here, it would be Broots, so how bout it?

[There's a blurry shot of saddle shows and ankle socks, and Parker sounds out of breath and teary.]

Mama! Mama! Please come back. Please.

[Open for random spam if someone wants to run into a weepy Parker looking for the mother she thinks is aboard because of ghosts.]

I don't know who took me, and took all of these pictures of my mother wearing weird clothing, and with weird things. [Parker holds up a picture of Catherine who looks, well, just like Parker only with 1960s hair and holding a baby. She then compares it with a picture of Parker herself wearing a red leather suit standing next to her father.]

My Daddy's Mr. Parker. [Oh, the pride and respect and importance she puts on this name.] He's going to be really mad when he finds out about this.

[Her voice drops.]

You won't like it when my Daddy gets angry. [Her voice goes into a little whisper.] He might give you to Doctor Raines. [Raines here is like a terrible, terrible curse word, or the bogeyman or both]

[Private to Paddy]
So, Irish, where you at?

[Private to Angelica]
How's it going, Angie?

[Private to Howie]
Let's do our drink tomorrow.

[Private to Kay]
Still pissed at you.

[Private to Sveta]
Can I do anything for you, Sunshine? Provide excellent handcuffs?

[There's a pause for a moment, and then she comes on and sounds really annoyed and disgusted.] There are times when I fucking hate this ship.

Howie told you what we did was fake, and it was. As for everything else, fuck it. And fuck Rex Lewis too.

( Privates to: Parker, Paddy, Molly, Angelica, Sveta, Tosh, Laura, Adam, Shego, Howie and Aleera. )

You know what, fuck all of this bullshit. We're grownups. I'm tired of this. Howie, let's you and I meet. I vote we meet with the two people who haven't been assholes about this: Angelica and Chromie. Do you agree?

You know what? Fuck him. I'm not sorry. I was going to apologize and admit that I'd lost my fucking temper and try to explain why, but then I fucking see that he's stirring shit against me in a filter that I can't see.

Neil Howie was deliberately fucking provoking me into a fight. He called into question my being a warden even before this little tiff. He accused me and every fucking graduated warden of being corrupt, a criminal and a fucking being bad at doing their job. He accused us of being fucking wrong for our inmates.

He can go fuck himself. He was intentionally attempting to get me to snap when all I wanted to fucking do was talk to him about some of the shit that was going on.

And every fucking warden who shares his opinion of the fucking redemption process can fucking get the hell out of here too.

[Filtered to Graduated wardens.]

This is bullshit. He called us, all of us criminals, corrupt and said that he didn't fucking believe in redemption. Keep on your fucking guard around him. From everything he fucking said it sounds like his opinion wasn't exactly in the god damn minority. I gotta admit that I've felt like it before, but Howie'd fucking told me that he trusted us more than other wardens. Yeah, and apparently it's all bullshit.

He's nothing but a fucking liar. Also, he used details about my fucking file he shouldn't have. And details about your files too.

[Filtered to inmates]

This is what you have to look forward to. Congratulations. So much for the wardens believing in us, huh? Be wary, he had details from the files of myself and other inmates that he fucking shouldn't.

[Private to Aleera]
I want to talk to you.

Tonight I found that fucking idiot Hoffman in level 8, room 11, Amanda Young's room. Guess what he was doing? He killed Amanda and had assaulted T'Pol and threatened to kill her as well. I subdued him with non-lethal force when he attempted to attack me, and then I dragged his ass to the infirmary so they could take care of the bullet wounds.

Someone needs to put these two on a fucking leash

And nothing of any fucking value was lost. He was a whiny fucking bitch and I'm glad he's gone.

[OOC:Parker's been inserted with nanomites, so she's like original bitchy recipe Parker who hates everyone.]

Alright, Parker, we're doing this port. Any unpaired inmate need to stretch their fucking legs?

Barge coma is just another way for the man in charge to fuck with us.

[Private to Parker's friends (especially the Tough Ass Women club.)
So did I miss anything important while I was dead to the world?

[Private to Parker.]
You. Me. Talking. I've got something for you.

[Private to Angelica]
Let's play with some fucking swords.

[Private to Laura]
A drink?

[Filtered away from Paddy]

Alright, if you guys catch or make Paddy start swearing tonight, I'll make it worth your while.

( In which Parker swears a lot in audio, just cause she can. )

Now that that's out of my system...

Private to Parker

Kitchen staff, dinner and I'll show you how to cook.

Private to Paddy
You bet your ass I remember.

[Private to Parker]

You've been drafted to dinner work, darling. I'll make it worth your while.

[Private to Timelords]

I have a question to ask you.

[Filtered to Graduates: Marquis, Aleera, Snape, Paddy, Prefect, Judas.]

You know, I think if it had been any of us that have pulled this shit Narvin did, our asses would have been demoted. What do you think?

[Private to Prefect]
You have the right idea. This is bullshit.

[Private to Paddy.]
Let's go shoot shit.

[Filtered to Parker's tough ass ladies: Shego, Una, Angelica, Sveta, Laura, Parker and Sarah]
How do you ladies feel about some poker?

[Private to Paddy]
I'm still fucking pissed, I think
Damn it, why'd you have to be such a fucking dick about this
If you were anyone else I'd kick your nuts up your throat
You're an asshole, but I still love you.

[Private to Kay]

How you holding up?

[Private to Judas]
You've been fucking quiet.

One person makes a kindergarten crack....

Yeah, I know, a shit teacher. [Actually, she wasn't but that's beside the point.]

[Private to Paddy]

Where are you?

[Private to Parker]

Let's go for a walk.

I have been giving a warning for swearing in front of my god damn kindergarteners.

I'm going to shoot something.

Oh wait! I don't have a gun!

[Private to Parker]

I know you're related to me, you're in my family photos. What are you doing?

[Private to Paddy]

What's your number?

Seriously, if you want to fucking kill people, just shoot or stab them. This heart ripped out thing sucks.

I've died on fire and being shot and being disintegrated and this sucks the most.

The only thing good is that my damn hair grew back.

[Private to Parker]

What's your status?

[Private to Paddy]

You better be fucking alive.

[People in zero filter]

Are you all right?

If it's not one thing it's a fucking nother.

Parker, Jude, Adam, I haven't heard from you lately.

I am never going to get that song out of my fucking head. Ever. I think it might be fucking following me.

[Even now Parker is snapping her fingers to it; please shoot her.]

And uh... thanks for the Christmas presents, I forgot to mention that.

[Private to Parker]

Alright, now that I'm my normal self, how about we have an actual meeting in the pub?

[Private to Laura]

How's it going, kiddo?